I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
