the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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