we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
