In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
