home. puking in laundry basket.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
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I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
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How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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