i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
