Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
