So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish I only lived at night.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
