Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
