Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
