i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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