i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
