Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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