Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
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You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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