my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
