Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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