Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
