Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
