I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
