Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
