i just had sex bonerless
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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