you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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