Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
