I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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