I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
