Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
