i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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