then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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