So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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