you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Randomize
