1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
