Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
