Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you didnt know i had herpes?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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