Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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