She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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