WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
