Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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