I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
