So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
