I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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