i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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