Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
