I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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