He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
