I feel like I'm in dance class right now
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
