Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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