The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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