that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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