I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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