it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
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If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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