I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men