I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
