you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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