so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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