I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
