Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
