I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
