im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
zippers are such a cool invention
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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