is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
