I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
