I wish I could teleport
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
