the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
