My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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