My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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