I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
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But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?