he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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