i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
